Unyielding post #10

Unyielding

October 26, 2010

So I decided to take a break from writing about the drama of my life. I’ve been thinking about something these past couple of days. I’ve been thinking about love. How people show love and why we do crazy and stupid things in love.

People say love makes you do illogical things. I think that love is very logical. Its actually so simple it’s hard for people to grasp. We second-guess ourselves. Trying to make the correct decision because every step is so crucial. It all comes down to one simple fact. To do everything in you power to provide complete happiness to another person without wanting anything in return.

Through our journey in life we put our guard up incase we get hurt. Never ever really letting go. We fear that we will lose ourselves in love and be that person who solely depends on one person for all of our happiness. Being afraid of that special person leaving you stranded and alone. It’s smart to just be well guarded until we feel that someone is able to fit in your life. I feel that doing that just leaves openings for something special to escape.

I want so badly to just give everything to one person. I want someone to own my happiness. I want to know that without a doubt that person knows I will be there forever. Believe everything I say without doubt not thinking if I’m just saying that because that’s what a good man does. I want her to know that she is the most beautiful and perfect thing in the world.

I’ve made so many mistakes in my life with women. As the years pass and being in relationship after relationship. Communication is key, but understanding how the other person is feeling is more important. I recently learned that lesson.

Being a so-called martial artist has numbed my emotions. I react to nothing. Emotions are a weakness. I’m far from being a true martial artist. I’ve never considered myself as one. I’m just some kid who was too much for my parents to handle. So they had someone else deal with their problem for a couple of hours a day. I’m still that kid that no one knows what to do with, who is trying to find someone to understand me.

I’m horrible at showing my emotions. Because I just don’t know how. My parents gave me the basic necessities, but not the emotionally necessities. It’s not their fault. I know that they were doing all they could to provide me what their parents couldn’t. I was an angry and overly energetic as a child. It’s funny to go back and breakdown why I did things as a child. My parents disciplined me the only way they knew how. As any old school parent would. Physical discipline.

It got the job done but it would only be a bandage to the real problem. I wanted someone to keep up with me. Play with me until I was exhausted, love me when I was tired, and make me feel special. But I felt the complete opposite. No one played with me because I was an only child, to compensate I was mischievous. So to handle this problem, the solution was to hit me until I understood that what I was doing was wrong and not understanding why I was doing these things.

You learn at a young age your place in the system. I didn’t feel love. So I became cold and obedient. Emotions just cause problems.

When I was put in karate it just reaffirmed my conclusion. The more analytical and logical you are the more efficient you became.

When I fell in love for the first time. It was over whelming. To have someone who gave me what I never had. I knew that my parents loved me but never showed me in a way I could understand. There was one huge problem. I didn’t know how to return the love that was being given to me. Thus the all the broken relationships in my life.

But since writing this blog I have come to an amazing realization. I can express my emotions in writing with ease. It just flows without hesitation.

Hopefully after writing down all my emotions and feelings. I will be able to express myself with a person face to face. Writing has been so good. I’ve never broken down the decisions and events in my life. Doing so has made me finally understand myself. I know what I want.

Below is a story that I always asked people about. Trying to see what people think of living a life like this.

A girl was pre arranged to love a boy. She was taught to know everything about him. She knew what foods he loved, what he loved to do, what made him happy and so many other things. Her life would be devoted to this boy.

One day the boy disappeared. She was then told to forget about him. But how could she? She fell in love with him as a child.

When she turned 18 she ran away from her family and responsibilities to find the boy. She found him and spent a time with the boy. Doing all the things that she was programmed to do.

But it wasn’t programming. It was pure love. She put her heart and soul into this boy. He had nothing. Lived in a tiny apartment working to pay for college. She would spend her time away from the boy shopping for him, cooking for him and making his life as comfortable as possible.

It fulfilled her. She didn’t need anything in return from him other then his happiness. She believed without a doubt that he would love her back. They were both so young and experienced so many events that would crush a normal relationship.

Because of the unyielding love of the girl, the boy made the correct decisions and would in turn made her do the same. They would always be together through all of life’s surprises.

The question is that in the world we live in. We are afraid of doing this because we are afraid of so many things. What would happen if we were to just give it all up and not worry about what might happen and live in the moment? Knowing that love would make everything work out.

Don’t confuse this with being with someone who doesn’t give his or her share of the love. And we know when we are in an uneven relationship. I’m talking about someone who does whatever it takes to make life for the other person as amazing as possible and also helping the other person fulfill their dreams no matter how hard things get. The pure love of understanding a person inside and out.

I want to be that girl. I want that fearless love. I want to believe in love so fully that nothing could change my mind about it.

I don’t need money. I want do things hoping for nothing in return because doing wonderful things is fulfilling enough. I don’t even need a thank you. I just need to know that the other is happy and I know that love will make everything better.