More to life than… post #13

More to life than…

April 2002

I spent the next year and a half alone, far away from women. I didn’t even interact with another woman. I spent all my time playing video games, hanging out with my guy friends, teaching martial arts and training. It kept me busy and distracted me from my broken heart.

I had completely isolated myself from women. I was still competing here and there. Still losing to Turtle at every tournament. He was whopping my ass hands down. Hurt even more that I would see Atlanta with him every so often. I had no passion in my life. Just letting the days go by.

I didn’t miss having female contact at all. I filled the void with constantly keeping myself busy. My addiction to video games took over all of my free time. I would fall asleep at the computer every night. Lucky for me, I didn’t like drinking; I would have been a horrible alcoholic.

One day after over a year playing video games non stop. I was playing counter strike and I got an idea to use video game sound effects in my musical forms. I was chasing some guy in counterstrike holding two guns and shooting him until I ran out of ammo. I imagined doing a form and punching like how I held the guns.

I stopped playing games so addictively and began to spend more time creating a form. It was a lot of fun to find the right music for my form and layering the sound effects from my favorite game to it. It was definitely a great challenge.

At the time people that had added sound effects, the forms always ended up sounding cheesy. I was determined to change that. Funny thing is that I choose songs that you would even think would fit.

Can’t fight the moonlight (remix) by Lee Ann Rimes. I can by NAS. The great thing about the music I used in my new form was that I really like to song to begin with. They were not songs I used just because it would have made good forms music. They were songs I could jam too. Yes I enjoyed the Lee Ann Rimes song. I blame Atlanta for making me watch Coyote Ugly so many times.

After a couple of month of research and development. I decided to finally compete again with my new form. The tournament was in Burlingame, 15 minutes south of San Francisco. The Golden Gate Nationals. Turtle and Atlanta would definitely be there. Turtle would travel to small national tournaments to steal the prize money because no one was even close to his level. He had been beating me non-stop for over 2 years. So for him it was a walk in the park.

Turtle would compete in every forms division that they offered for extreme forms. He wanted to win every division so he would only have to compete with the weapons winner in the finals. He cleaned up the non-musical division. He felt tired after that division and thought about not competing in musical forms because he knew he could beat me in the finals.

Atlanta didn’t feel the same way. She wanted him to compete in my division to knock me out so it would be a breeze that night. I watched as they debated back and forth about what he should do. Eventually he gave in and decided to compete in my division.

I knew I couldn’t beat him yet but I competed to see how the form felt and fix whatever dead spots were in it. I went before turtle in the division. I was excited and nervous to perform again. Because I went into it thinking I wasn’t going to win and I just wanted to perform, I felt excited and it overwhelmed me.

As I performed the form I could feel the audience embracing my performance. Ever since Atlanta left me I felt lost and alone. But for the first time in over 2 years, I felt alive again. This is was where I belonged. This is what I do. I’m a performer.

Turtle followed my performance but the energy that the audience gave him felt flat. I think I might have a chance of actually beating him. I couldn’t believe it. The scores were so close. I couldn’t determine who had won. When the scores were added, the center judge returned the other judges and spoke to them for a moment.

There was a tie between Turtle and I. I couldn’t believe it. This was the closest I have ever come to beating him. Turtle had to go before me in the tiebreaker. I definitely had the advantage now. I could win this.

Turtle ended up slipping in his form and all I would have to do is just do a safe form and I would win. But of course I didn’t do that. To me it would have been a bitch move to play it safe, just to win. If I couldn’t beat him with my best form with my hardest tricks then I wouldn’t be able to beat him in the finals. I had to win this division without holding back.

In the opening trick of my form, I tried the hardest trick I could do and rough landing. I made up for the bobble with a strong and sharp form. Now it would be in the judge’s hands. It would be a toss up.

The judges lined us up and called all the other places and left Turtle and I standing in the back. I was happy with what had happened today. I felt that I was making progress. It was the first time I had performed this form. It was more then I could have hope for.

“And in second place……Turtle” the center judge announced.

I won! Unbelievable. I held all my emotions inside as I walked up to receive my trophy voucher. When I shook the judges hands. One of the judges told me he was impressed that I didn’t hold back in the tiebreaker even though I could have won easily, I felt so accomplished. Also I had also planted doubt in Turtle’s mind.

The finals had arrived. I had not performed in a night show in so long, I forgot how exciting it was. I definitely appreciated being on stage again. I was lucky and drew to be the last competitor for the night.

The weapons competitor, Turtle and myself would be competing in the finals. But the night was just about Turtle Vs. Me. I spoke to the DJ earlier and told him to go ahead and scratch with my track before starting it. When I heard DJ playing with my music, I felt so hyped. The adrenaline was amazing. It was flowing through out my body and I was having such a high and I haven’t even walked in yet.

The audience gave me love through out my form. I knew I could beat turtle now. Knowing you have a chance of beating someone pushes you to limits you never knew you could reach. After I finished my form I felt a pain in my right heel. I looked down and I was bleeding like crazy. On the triple flash I had landed in a crack of the stage and split my heel open. It was nasty. If I tied with Turtle he would win by default.

They brought us all on stage. The announcer took his sweet time to get the results. I just wanted to know who won.

“ Tonight’s Adult contemporary forms grand champion is……Kim Do.”

I had finally beaten him. The crowd erupted. I looked out into the audience. Saw all my friends out there cheering, standing, jumping and yelling for me. It was an amazing experience. It was the first adult grand championship win of my life.

I walked over to my friends as they all bum rushed me and congratulated me. Until that moment I had not realized all the friends I had made after Atlanta left me. I had felt alone for so long. There I was surround by all these people that have been with me the whole time.

I looked over at Turtle and Atlanta. I realized that I had traded Atlanta for the most amazing friends in the world. They were more then just my friends. They were my family. For all the pain that I had felt when Atlanta left me. It was all worth it, to be where I was in my life in that moment.

It’s over post #12

It’s over

Summer 2000

It was a long month in Rhode Island. I have never taught so much in my life. It was far more exhausting then I had previously thought. My friends in Rhode Island are workaholics. They’re on a whole other level. Not sure how I kept up with it them for a whole month.

I didn’t speak to Atlanta much while I was in Rhode Island. I spoke to her maybe once or twice the entire trip. I was so exhausted from teaching and training. I would pass out the moment I got home.

I needed to make a decision about what I was going to do with our relationship. If we kept going at this pace, we would never survive. I thought about her everyday. I always told her I was going to change or make things better but never delivered. So this time I was just going to show her. I decided when I got back home, I would teach full time at the karate school again and propose to her when we got back on our feet.

I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Even though I’ve written a lot about all of our bad times. She was a sweet caring and giving girl. I knew once she felt that I loved her how I used to love her. She would remember how she once felt for me.

I was finally done with my month long iron man teaching marathon. I was ready to come home and get my life together. I wanted to be a better person for Atlanta. I was excited to see her and couldn’t wait to kiss her again. My fire for her was burning bright again.

When I got home. Atlanta was at work still. So I went to the karate school and asked for a full time position teaching. They accepted. I was feeling really optimistic.

Atlanta came home and I was so happy to see her. She looked tired so I didn’t smother her with love. Atlanta was bit a distant. Which was understandable. She probably had a rough day at work and I haven’t had a serious conversation with her in a month. It didn’t bother me that she was distant. I would turn this all around in due time.

That night she wasn’t interested in being physical with me. Which I thought was weird. We haven’t seen each other in a month. She pushed me away and told me she was tired. I deserved it for ignoring her for so long. We slept back to back that night.

The next day while Atlanta was at work. I was using her laptop to check some mail. I noticed that she had some pictures on her desktop. It was a bunch of pictures of a friend of mine. Something was definitely up.

That night when she came home I confronted her about what was going on. She told me she had met someone else. My heart sank. I had taken down my wall and was going to commit my life to her. I was completely vulnerable. She told me it was my friend (Turtle). She said that since I haven’t spoken to her in a month she didn’t know what was going on.

She had been talking to Turtle the whole time I was gone. He was there for her when she was lonely. I told her about my plans and that I was going to make things better. I didn’t want to tell her because I always told her before but never followed through. This time I just wanted to show her. She was upset that I didn’t tell her. She would have thought twice about being with someone else.

I didn’t bother begging for her to stay. I just grabbed my keys and left the house. I was destroyed. I couldn’t believe it. She totally gave up on me. Now she was with another friend of mine. Not only was he my friend. He was the guy that was beating me at every tournament. I saw him every month.

I didn’t shed a tear though. I was trying to accept what was going on. I got to my friends house. I told him what had happen. I needed to get out of the house and be far away from her. We played video games a coupe of hours. Trying to get my mind settled. I finally was ready to go back home.

When I got home. Atlanta and I spoke about what we would do next. I had promised Atlanta from the beginning of our relationship that no matter what happened to us, She could stay with me until she got on her feet. So she pulled the card on me.

I was a man of my word. So I let her stay with me until she could move out. She would sleep on the bed and I would sleep on the couch in our room. We would still be sleeping in the same room. In case my parents noticed something was up and kick her out.

The next week would be hell for me. She would be getting calls from Turtle and would go another room to talk with him for what felt like hours. It hurt me to see her take his calls. It drove me crazy thinking about her talking to him.

At night she would be typing away on her laptop to him while I was in the room. I was such a tool. She didn’t seem to care about my feelings. She was in her own world. I would glance over and see her smile. She would giggle sometimes. I just lay there trying to do my own thing. I guess this was pay back for all the nights I made her sleep alone.

One night she took it too far. I had figured out how to ignore her by going to sleep with my headphones on. In the middle of the night my headphones had fallen off my head. I woke up for a minute. I heard her talking on the phone to him. She thought I was asleep. I pretended to stay asleep. I wanted to torture myself.

It was the one of the hardest nights of my life. She held nothing back during her conversation. She spoke about missing him, going to visiting him, things she would do to him, her plans to move there. It was cruel and unusual punishment. I listened to the whole conversation. I didn’t say one word to her. She finally said good night. My night of torture was finally over.

The next day I told her she had to move out. She was upset and asked me why I kicking her out. I told her that I heard her whole conversation the night before. She was shocked and told me that she thought I was asleep and was sorry that I heard them talking. I told her it didn’t matter and she needed to leave by the weekend.

I spent the rest of the week sleeping in another room. I should have been sleeping there to begin with. But we were still living with my parents and I didn’t want them to kick her out. I should have just kicked her out the moment I found out.

Before she moved out. We sat in her car one day and had a conversation about everything that was happening. I hated her for putting me through all of this, but I still had to make sure it was completely over. I asked to her if it was truly over.

“It’s over”. She said with a tear falling from her eye

After a couple of days of seeing her take her phones calls outside, hearing her laughter and happiness from where ever I was in the house, she finally moved out.

We still kept in contact for some odd reason. I was too nice. She wanted to be friends and I agreed. A couple of weeks later, she wants to hang out with me because she hasn’t seen me in awhile. I didn’t really want to see her again, but I told her I was going to the mall and she could join me.

So she met me at my house and I drove. I was going to a mall that she didn’t want to go too. She was starting to get upset. Pouting about why we were going to this mall. I wanted to tell her that if she didn’t want to come I can take her back to her car and she can do her own thing. But I didn’t. I just told her that I needed to go there. She reluctantly accepted.

When we got to the mall. She gets a phone call. It was Turtle. She wanted to come spend time with me, but instead she was on the phone with Turtle that whole time. When she finally got off the phone, she was a couple of steps behind me.

“I love you” she told Turtle as she hung up the phone.

I couldn’t believe it. Did she really just say that with me right here with her. I had enough. I took her back to her car and I didn’t speak to her again.

The storm is coming post #11

The storm is coming

Winter 2000

I spent the next couple of days arguing with Atlanta about going to see Ohio. I was a fool to believe that it was gong to be that easy. It was non-stop conflict until I left.

I was happy to get away from Atlanta for a week. I felt that it was the end for us. Spending this week with Ohio would seal the deal. I would be completely clear of what I wanted.

When she picked me up from the airport. I felt so happy to see her again. I really missed her. She had such a wonderful energy. It was probably because I has such a rough week with Atlanta.

I met her family. They were so warm and friendly. I’ve never been around a family like this before. Everyone spoke to each other. They had the completed opposite of my home life. I wanted this so badly. This was going to be a great week.

Ohio and I had the simple life. Everything came so easy. Nothing felt try hard or pushed. She didn’t play any games with me. Without telling me how much she was falling for me. I instantly felt it and returned it the best I could.

Everything was perfect. I was starting to fall in love with Ohio. I couldn’t imagine my relationship with Atlanta coming even close to this.

“If it’s too good to be true, it probably is.” Then everything starts to unravel around me. The parents had put up a front to make me feel comfortable in the house. The dad was in an unhappy marriage and was having a mid life crisis. Ohio and her brother were bothered that their parents were acting like they actually got along.

The days pass and I start to build this weird feeling of unease. I’m not sure of what I was feeling. All I know is that I felt unhappy. I woke up in the middle of the night. I realized something and it hit me hard.

I was repeating what I had done to my ex with Atlanta. I lay there staring at the ceiling wondering what I should do. I was unhappy and didn’t want to be with Atlanta anymore. But was I going to just run every time things got rough? I would be the same person I left two years ago and promised to never be again.

But here I was doing the same thing. I think I just experienced my first rebound relationship. I felt horrible. I totally led this girl on. I poured all my emotions into her and all she did was give me her all. She was going to get hurt.

The next day I was distant from Ohio. She felt it and knew that something was going on in my head. I was honest with her and told her everything that was going on in my head. Sometimes the truth isn’t the best thing. I was feeling guilt and was making myself feel better by telling her about what was hurting me.

So I transfer my pain to her. That night I called Atlanta and talked to her. I told her that I had made a mistake being there. Though I never apologized for it. I told her that I didn’t want to walk away from what we had because it was hard. I loved her and she was all I wanted at one point in my life. I wanted to find that again with her.

Ohio and I shared one more night together. We had sex for the first time on the final night I was there. She would be the second girl I have ever shared that with. I wasn’t really into it. I think I did it to make sure that I was really over Ohio.

I had hell to pay with Atlanta when I got home. She didn’t yell at me nor was she upset. She was heartbroken and disappoint in me. We didn’t physically do anything for a month. She was so sad. She was broken and all I could do was wait for her to turn around.

The relationship was monotone and was going to be this way all the way to the end. Another month passes. She decided that she was going to move out with another girlfriend because she thinks it will make our relationship better.

It would completely destroy us. Atlanta was being pawned by this girl (Crazy). Crazy was angry that I had charged her an extra 30 dollars for our trip to Florida. I had arranged the trip for a large group of people. I felt since I made all the arrangements, I should go for free. So she plotted to break us up to get back at me. That’s why I named her crazy.

Another month passes and Atlanta moves out. Crazy sets up a set of rules for the apartment that they will be sharing. No guests over during the week. This way I wouldn’t be able to visit her. Crazy also knew that on the weekends she would get Atlanta to party with her and not spend time with me because I didn’t drink.

One day I spent the night over at Atlanta’s place. We had not spent a night together in forever. The next morning there is this loud bang on her door. Crazy was trying to wake Atlanta up because she knew I was in there. Using the excuse of waking her up for work. Even though she knew she had at least another hour of sleep before work. We ignored it. Ten minutes later the bang is louder and she gets louder. This bitch is fucking psycho. Atlanta gets out of bed and has an argument with her. Crazy is mad because she had someone over during the week. Even though we didn’t make any noise the whole night.

This was when Atlanta started to realize what was going on. Crazy had been feeding her all these reasons she should leave me. Now Atlanta realized the rules were there to keep me from her.

But she was stuck. They had another 6 months on the lease. So she was going to have to deal with it. But I wasn’t. I never went back to the apartment. Crazy’s plan was working.

Without Atlanta around anymore. I spent the next 4 months with my friends. My friend’s mom was sitting on a house and we spent four glorious months doing nothing but playing video games 24/7. It was one of the most amazing times in my life. Just the guys being complete zombies. I wasn’t teaching anymore. I traveled and did a couple of privates here and there for food money. One friend was living off of unemployment. Another was living off of the money he won from a lawsuit.

I Spoke to Atlanta here and there. We were becoming more distant as the months passed. We somehow stayed a couple through all this time. Once Atlanta’s lease was up with Crazy she moved back in with me at my parents house.

Something had changed. Atlanta was very easy going. She was cheerful to a certain degree. I thought she was happy to be back home with me.

I was going to teach a camp in Rhode Island for a month. I really needed the money and I had not seen my Rhode Island friends in a long time. Atlanta was really understanding about me leaving again. I guess since we been away from each other for so long, one more month wouldn’t be a problem.

I really liked this side of Atlanta. She has not been this understanding and loving for so long. I would hate to leave her for a month. I was starting to fall in love with her again.

Unyielding post #10

Unyielding

October 26, 2010

So I decided to take a break from writing about the drama of my life. I’ve been thinking about something these past couple of days. I’ve been thinking about love. How people show love and why we do crazy and stupid things in love.

People say love makes you do illogical things. I think that love is very logical. Its actually so simple it’s hard for people to grasp. We second-guess ourselves. Trying to make the correct decision because every step is so crucial. It all comes down to one simple fact. To do everything in you power to provide complete happiness to another person without wanting anything in return.

Through our journey in life we put our guard up incase we get hurt. Never ever really letting go. We fear that we will lose ourselves in love and be that person who solely depends on one person for all of our happiness. Being afraid of that special person leaving you stranded and alone. It’s smart to just be well guarded until we feel that someone is able to fit in your life. I feel that doing that just leaves openings for something special to escape.

I want so badly to just give everything to one person. I want someone to own my happiness. I want to know that without a doubt that person knows I will be there forever. Believe everything I say without doubt not thinking if I’m just saying that because that’s what a good man does. I want her to know that she is the most beautiful and perfect thing in the world.

I’ve made so many mistakes in my life with women. As the years pass and being in relationship after relationship. Communication is key, but understanding how the other person is feeling is more important. I recently learned that lesson.

Being a so-called martial artist has numbed my emotions. I react to nothing. Emotions are a weakness. I’m far from being a true martial artist. I’ve never considered myself as one. I’m just some kid who was too much for my parents to handle. So they had someone else deal with their problem for a couple of hours a day. I’m still that kid that no one knows what to do with, who is trying to find someone to understand me.

I’m horrible at showing my emotions. Because I just don’t know how. My parents gave me the basic necessities, but not the emotionally necessities. It’s not their fault. I know that they were doing all they could to provide me what their parents couldn’t. I was an angry and overly energetic as a child. It’s funny to go back and breakdown why I did things as a child. My parents disciplined me the only way they knew how. As any old school parent would. Physical discipline.

It got the job done but it would only be a bandage to the real problem. I wanted someone to keep up with me. Play with me until I was exhausted, love me when I was tired, and make me feel special. But I felt the complete opposite. No one played with me because I was an only child, to compensate I was mischievous. So to handle this problem, the solution was to hit me until I understood that what I was doing was wrong and not understanding why I was doing these things.

You learn at a young age your place in the system. I didn’t feel love. So I became cold and obedient. Emotions just cause problems.

When I was put in karate it just reaffirmed my conclusion. The more analytical and logical you are the more efficient you became.

When I fell in love for the first time. It was over whelming. To have someone who gave me what I never had. I knew that my parents loved me but never showed me in a way I could understand. There was one huge problem. I didn’t know how to return the love that was being given to me. Thus the all the broken relationships in my life.

But since writing this blog I have come to an amazing realization. I can express my emotions in writing with ease. It just flows without hesitation.

Hopefully after writing down all my emotions and feelings. I will be able to express myself with a person face to face. Writing has been so good. I’ve never broken down the decisions and events in my life. Doing so has made me finally understand myself. I know what I want.

Below is a story that I always asked people about. Trying to see what people think of living a life like this.

A girl was pre arranged to love a boy. She was taught to know everything about him. She knew what foods he loved, what he loved to do, what made him happy and so many other things. Her life would be devoted to this boy.

One day the boy disappeared. She was then told to forget about him. But how could she? She fell in love with him as a child.

When she turned 18 she ran away from her family and responsibilities to find the boy. She found him and spent a time with the boy. Doing all the things that she was programmed to do.

But it wasn’t programming. It was pure love. She put her heart and soul into this boy. He had nothing. Lived in a tiny apartment working to pay for college. She would spend her time away from the boy shopping for him, cooking for him and making his life as comfortable as possible.

It fulfilled her. She didn’t need anything in return from him other then his happiness. She believed without a doubt that he would love her back. They were both so young and experienced so many events that would crush a normal relationship.

Because of the unyielding love of the girl, the boy made the correct decisions and would in turn made her do the same. They would always be together through all of life’s surprises.

The question is that in the world we live in. We are afraid of doing this because we are afraid of so many things. What would happen if we were to just give it all up and not worry about what might happen and live in the moment? Knowing that love would make everything work out.

Don’t confuse this with being with someone who doesn’t give his or her share of the love. And we know when we are in an uneven relationship. I’m talking about someone who does whatever it takes to make life for the other person as amazing as possible and also helping the other person fulfill their dreams no matter how hard things get. The pure love of understanding a person inside and out.

I want to be that girl. I want that fearless love. I want to believe in love so fully that nothing could change my mind about it.

I don’t need money. I want do things hoping for nothing in return because doing wonderful things is fulfilling enough. I don’t even need a thank you. I just need to know that the other is happy and I know that love will make everything better.

Déjà vu post #9

Déjà vu

July 2000

Atlanta and I would break up a couple of days later. She was going to see her family and friends back in Florida. She hasn’t seen them since she moved in with me two years ago. We needed the time apart. I would be going to Florida a week after to compete at the US open.

While Atlanta was away, I spent all my time talking to Ohio. I was starting to really get attached to her. My heart transitioned from one girl to another… again.

With Ohio holding my attention, I was completely over Atlanta. Ohio and I had so much in common. She was the complete opposite of Atlanta. Which was perfect timing for me. I needed someone who was the complete opposite of Atlanta, I needed someone to give me attention and I needed to be wanted again.

Before my flight to Florida I thought that I was over Atlanta. But the moment I saw Atlanta in the hotel lobby. I couldn’t help myself. I missed her. I was still in love with her. I wanted try again and make it work.

But of course instead of being intelligent and telling her I would like to work things out. I just decided to be affectionate and give her a lot of attention, which would eventually blow up in my face.

I spent the day trying my best to be the boyfriend that I thought she wanted. I tried to be attentive, loving and sweet. But she wasn’t interested. I wasn’t going to give up. I needed to give it one more shot.

We were together in the Jacuzzi. She looked amazing in her bathing suit. I have not seen her sexually in a couple of weeks. I missed everything about her. I wanted things back they used to be.

She wasn’t having it. She ran from every advance I made. It was the same game that we had played so many times before. I was done. I didn’t need this shit. I had another girl who really wanted to be with me. One who didn’t break my heart and purposely leave me in pain.

I spent every free moment talking on the phone with Ohio. The more time I spent talking to Ohio the more I fell for her. She soothed all the pain and sadness that I was feeling.

The tournament was uneventful for me. I lost my division again. I didn’t go to the finals that night to even watch. I just hung around the hotel talking to Ohio. After the finals were over, everyone headed to the pool. I had roamed around and found myself sitting in the pool area talking to Ohio.

Then all the drama began. With everyone at the pool area, Atlanta decided she was going to try to make me jealous by flirting with one of my friends. She decided to choose a close friend of mine. The guy that said “Kim Do you’re the man” from Atlanta (Double). It didn’t bother me one bit.

I’m not the jealous type. She chose the wrong guy to play with game with All she was doing was proving to me that she wasn’t worth my efforts anymore. As the night went on, she was digging herself a hole. She was leading on the wrong guy. He was a very aggressive guy who hated being cockteased. I knew that she would get herself into trouble and I felt she deserved every bit of what would be coming to her.

A mutual friend of ours (Chris) came up to me while I was on the phone and told me that Atlanta was flirting with Double. He was a good kid. He felt that I would have been bothered by what was going on. I told him that it was ok and let her do her thing. He said ok and walked back to the Jacuzzi.

Ten minutes later. Chris returns and tells me that Atlanta looked uncomfortable with Double and I should go see her. I knew this would happen, she brought this on herself. I told Chris that she wasn’t my problem anymore and he should go talk to her brother to help her out.

Ten more minutes pass and now I’m dragged into the mess. Atlanta is standing in front of me crying. I wanted to so bad to just walk away and teach her a lesson. But I still cared for her. I got off the phone with Ohio and walked towards Atlanta. She looked scared and embarrassed. She stood there with her arms crossed in front of her chest. She played the victim very well and I was always a sucker for it. When I got to her, she leaned into me crying. I stood there for a moment with my arms out. I didn’t want to hold her. But I ended up giving in and put my arms around her.

I sat her down and asked her what had happened. She didn’t say much. She just wanted to leave. I asked her if he had done anything to her. Did her hurt her? I knew that she had taken it too far and that she was partly at fault for what had happened.

No matter how much a girl leads you on. I believe a man should never make a woman feel uncomfortable to the point she is terrified. So I decided to confront Double and hear his side of the story. Atlanta could just be playing me. I always try to see both sides of the story before making a decision.

I told Atlanta that I was going to speak with him. She told me not to go and we should just leave. No way that was going to happen. I needed Double to know what was going on and her to know that I was going find out the truth.

I walked up to Double in the Jacuzzi. There were a lot of people in the Jacuzzi. Everyone knew each other and knew there was drama brewing. Atlanta and Double put on a good show for everyone. I walked up to him, tapped him on the shoulder and told him I needed to speak to him. Everyone in the Jacuzzi thought there was gong to be a fight. He was surprised that I actually approached him. He agreed and we walked to a place where we could speak privately.

He was nervous and wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I told him that I didn’t care what they did and I just wanted to know what happened. He told me that she was flirting with him and when he took things a little farther, but she kept playing with him. I’ve known this guy for the past 5 years. I know how he gets with women.

So before he said anything else I told him that she was crying and felt scared around him. I asked him to just leave her alone for the rest of night. I had no hard feeling towards him because I knew she was using him, but I didn’t tell him that. He agreed and gave me the whole bros before hoes speech. If he really felt that way then he wouldn’t went after her to begin with if we were actually bros. I had lost all respect for him after that night.

I returned to Atlanta and told her that he wouldn’t be bothering her anymore. That she shouldn’t hang around him anymore. I left her with her brother and friends. I walked away from the pool area to talk to Ohio again.

Moments later Atlanta comes around again. How the hell did she find me? This hotel is huge. It takes like 45 minutes to walk around the place. I had also hid myself from everyone. Here we go again.

The next three hours would be spent trying to convince Atlanta that it was over. She wasn’t accepting it. It felt like déjà vu. I wasn’t going to give in this time. She had her chance and decided to play that same stupid game.

I finally convinced her that it was over and walked her to her room. She needed support from her friends. She was crying non-stop for 3 hours. As much as it hurt me to see her cry like that. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was glad to be rid of her for the night.

It was really late. I returned to my room to get some sleep. I crashed hard the moment I laid down. Suddenly I was being woken up by a one of my roommates. I opened my eyes and he told me that Atlanta was here. What the fuck! Can I get a break from this madness? I was exhausted and didn’t want to go outside and talk this out. I just stayed in my bed while she crawled up next to me.

After Fifteen minutes. I gave in. I told her we could work things out and that I was going to visit Ohio. I told Atlanta that I didn’t know how I feeling about her anymore and I had already bought my plane ticket to go see Ohio. So if she could deal with that, then we could see what would happen later. She agreed reluctantly.

The next thing that would happen would be the biggest dick move of my life. Looking back on it. I was a complete asshole for even suggesting it. Atlanta had been asking me if it was ok if she got a tongue ring for the longest time. I always told her that it was stupid and a waste of money. But after being with Ohio, I suggested that she get one. She knew exactly why I suddenly brought up the idea. She didn’t care at the time. She just wanted me back.

Moments later. We walked into the bathroom together and started to have make up sex. It was the most emotional bruising experience of both our lives. She was doing it with me because she wanted to keep me and was she was emotional wreck. I was going through the motions because I was thinking about someone else. It just made the situation worse. We didn’t speak afterwards. We just went back to bed more confused and hurt then ever before.

Infidelity post #8

Infidelity

June 2001

A couple of days after Atlanta and I worked out our problems. Atlanta asks me to go with her to a birthday party at a hotel in San Francisco. It will be an over night party. I thought it would be nice to be away from my gamer friends for once and spend some quality time with my girlfriend.

There was a problem. It was my friend’s little brother’s birthday party. The one that has been trying to steal my girlfriend but instead his best friends was receiving all the benefits of his labor. Of course the best friend would be there also. Sounds like a great time. Was she out of her mind? What does she expect me to do there? Would I just hang out and pretend that nothing ever happened?

I refused her offer. She asked me why I didn’t want to go. She was completely clueless. I told her that I wouldn’t go because I didn’t want to be around those two. She tried to convince me that it will be ok and that we would have a great time. She was living in a dream world.

For a week she pestered me to go and I shut her down every time. This must be a technique girl’s use on their father’s to get their way.

After awhile I was tired of her asking me and I gave in. I told her I would go. But if it got uncomfortable I would leave immediately. She agreed to it and was happy that she got her way.

A couple of days later she tells me that I couldn’t go anymore. I would make the party uncomfortable for everyone there. Oh now you get it. It was too late though. After pestering me for a week about going when I clearly did not want to go, and now telling me I cant go once I gave in. Hell no. I’m going to this damn party.

Now we are having a fight about me wanting to go. How retarded is that? After I finally came to grips with confronting my problems and not running from them. Now she telling me I can’t go to the party. I felt as if she was ashamed to be with me. She thought that they were more fun then me. Which I’m sure they were at the time. It was hurtful to believe that she was bored with me.

After another week of arguing about the party. I decided not to go and let her spend an entire weekend with her boy toy and fuck buddy. How lousy is that? Not just a normal party but two nights in a hotel room. I was heartbroken. But I loved her and would do anything to keep her happy. I felt ashamed of myself for letting her walk all over me not once but twice.

At least I had something to do that weekend to keep my mind off of her exploits. It was martial arts boot camp weekend. It was business martial arts training for everyone. For owners, instructors, front desk and program directors. Three days of nonstop work. I needed it badly. Not because I needed the training but I need to occupy my mind.

I had training all day on Friday and Atlanta left with boy toy birthday boy. I didn’t even get to say anything to her before she left because I was at work.

At the boot camp, I tried my best to stay focused on other things. But I kept wondering if she was gong to cheat on me again. As I fell deeper and deeper into my own black hole. I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. Something I can always depend on to make me feel better.

I saw a beautiful girl that was part of the instructors training group. She was blond, slim and very cute. It was a good way to keep my attention away from Atlanta.

I spent the whole day looking at her and just admiring her. It felt like bird watching. It was peaceful and serene. I didn’t want to talk to her; I just wanted to enjoy the scenery. I was starting to feel a bit better. Not going to the party was starting to look like a good idea after all.

A group of us young adults decided we would go karaoke after training. Boot camp had a lot of people that came from out of town. It would be nice to take them out.

We all ended up at Acapulco Mexican restaurant and bar. We filled that place up quickly with our group. We made it look like the place to be. I was having a good time hanging out, talking and singing.

Then the blond shows up with another group of karate people. I was excited and terrified at the same time. I know how I am around girls I’m attracted too. This could be a dangerous night for me. I stared at her when she wasn’t looking and when she turned her head I looked away. I really wanted to talk to her but I was conflicted about Atlanta.

This was the first time I had felt attraction to another girl since being with Atlanta. After cheating on my ex so much. I vowed to be done with it. I wanted to make my relationship with Atlanta an honest and real relationship.

I was also bothered that she would go away to someone else’s party with two guys that were trying to steal her away from me. She knew I would be hurt by it but went anyway. I know two rights don’t make a wrong. If she wanted to cheat it would be on her, if I cheat out of revenge I would be just as guilty as she was.

For the rest of the night I decided I was going to be true to myself. I stayed away from the blond. I enjoyed my night with everyone. It was a great night and a great get away from my problems.

The next day was even worse for me. I spent the whole day, daydreaming about this blond. There was something about her that had me drawn to her. Maybe because I wanted her but I couldn’t have her. Not because she didn’t want me. It was because I was denying myself the opportunity. I felt like I was playing hard to get with myself.

I had befriended a guy from her group. Found out they were from Ohio. He introduced me to everyone. When she introduced herself to me and shook my hand. That feeling came back. The, I just don’t give a fuck anymore feeling. At that point I knew I was going to make this girl mine somehow. The game was on.

I somehow managed to get a small group of them to go to a club with me. When I went to pick them up, everyone had bailed except for two people. My new friend (Wingman) and the blond (Ohio).

We arrived at the club early. It was pretty dead inside. I didn’t care, it just meant that I would be able to get more attention from Ohio. Lucky for me Wingman had great social skills. He immediately found a girl to occupy his time. Sometimes men have an unspoken bound and know when to hook a brother up.

Ohio and I spoke for a while as the club started to get a bit more crowded. I was so nervous. Not because I was worried about being with Ohio. I was nervous because I knew what I was doing and what would happen if I kept doing it.

I really didn’t want to cheat on Atlanta. I wish that she had called me at least once that weekend. I wished that she had stayed with me instead of going to the party. I wished that I were a better boyfriend to her. But what’s done is done. Am I going to let Atlanta have all the fun this weekend? Fuck that!

I finally asked Ohio if she wanted to dance. She said I thought I would never ask. We got on the dance floor and found a nice crowded corner that hid us from the world. It was playful at first. Then we got closer and closer together. My heart was racing. I forgotten how intense the feeling of cheating was. How the adrenaline would fill my body and make my body act on its own.

I had some last minute resistance from cheating. So I turned her around so her back would be facing me. It was sudden and aggressive. I just wanted some time to think, but all I had done was turn her on even more.

She pushed her ass against my body. It was a beautiful ass. The best ass I have ever seen to this point in my life. Atlanta didn’t have an ass like this. I was losing it. My monogamy wall was crumbling down. When the last brick feel to the ground. My hands found her inner thighs. I squeezed her amazingly toned legs and the most intense rush of feelings and emotions shot from my hands to my entire body.

I had returned to the place that I thought I would never be at again, “Infidelity”. I didn’t care about the consequences. I was going to enjoy this moment to the fullest.

My hands found every part of her body. My lips found her neck. Her hands found my hair and held on to it so tightly while I bit her ear. She turned around and we made eye contact. Once again I had a moment of resistance with myself. This would be the point of no return. If I kiss her, I would be throwing my true love for Atlanta away. I knew it would never be the same again after this.

I was scared for a moment. Then the little devil on my shoulder told me to go for it because Atlanta doesn’t give a fuck about me.

So I kissed her. It was lustful and passionate. I haven’t felt this way in more then a year. I was totally gone. I was all over this girl. It was different then other times I cheated. I think probably because I had so much built up anger and stress. When I finally released it. It put me on the biggest high of my life.

It was getting late and I took them back to the hotel. Ohio and I didn’t want the night to end. So I dropped wingman off at the hotel. Ohio and I decided to take the party elsewhere. I wasn’t going to take her back to my place. She had people in her room. Only one place to go, the karate school.

We sat in the karate school for an hour talking. I told her about my situation. Told her that I had a girlfriend and that she was off with some other guy tonight. We just sat and talked for a while. She was comforting and understanding. We made out for a bit more. She was the perfect remedy for my illness. It was the fire I needed to get back to who I once was.

The beginning of the end post #7

The beginning of the end

January - June 2000

My life was perfect. Except for one thing. I was losing tournament after tournament. I wasn’t even winning my division anymore. It wasn’t because of the girl. It was more that I didn’t have the creative drive that I once had before. I was trying to win tournaments with forms I thought judges liked. I wasn’t doing that before. I did them because I loved performing them.

I hurt my knee really bad at the first tournament of 2000. It was the biggest and most idiotic injury of my life. After I finished my division my knee felt loose in the joint. But I wasn’t in any pain. I went to the medic and asked for him to look at it. He told me it looked fine and since I felt no pain, I was probably ok.

It still felt really strange. So I decided I would try to remedy it myself. Usually when my joints feel a bit out of place, I can pop it and it feels much better. Here is where my stupidity is unbelievable.

I was standing there with all my weight on the leg that felt loose. Moved my arms and waist to one side. What I will say next I think on a scale of 1 to 10 on the stupid scale is an 11 or 12. I threw my body to the other side with force while having my one leg planted to the ground and pushing off the other leg. An intense pain erupted from my knee. I fucked up. I hurt my knee bad. I now had a limp in my step. I went to my room and spent the rest of the night there.

I woke up the next morning and planted my feet on the ground to walk to the bathroom. I collapsed and fell to the floor. My knee was totally gone. I couldn’t even put a couple pounds of pressure on it. I spent the whole weekend in my room.

The first month I was miserable. I couldn’t do anything. I had no hobbies to keep my mind active. My girlfriend tried her best to take care of me. I was just lost. I lost the passion and drive I once had. We were together but the passion was starting to fade away. It would only get worse from here.

This is where the addiction that would take over my life began. I was introduced to a game called Starcraft. It consumed me. I didn’t have health insurance to go see a doctor. Without knowing what was actually wrong with me my knee, I had only one option. Not do a damn thing for a long ass time.

Over the next 6 months I played Starcraft for 4 to 6 hours a day. That would be on the weekdays. On weekends it was far worse. I would go to a friend’s house and we would play all weekend long. I was selfish and didn’t think about what Atlanta needed or wanted. She came along and seemed to enjoy hanging out with all of us. She pretended to like video games as much as I did. But it wasn’t the games she enjoyed. She was happy that I had passion for something again. It would tear us apart eventually. She never once showed that she was upset with me. So I continued destroying our relationship.

She would fall asleep without me for so many nights. Times she would wake up and I was still playing while the sun was coming up. Then I would fall asleep and wake up just before work. Not spending anytime with her. I was a horrible boyfriend. I was clueless to what I was doing to her and our relationship.

She started to hang out with one of my other friends that was outside my gaming circle. He was back for the summer from college. So he would take her out with him on the weekends. They partied every weekend during the summer. I didn’t think much of it because I was happy that she was off my back about playing games and other things I wasn’t doing. I was driving her away. I thought it was good she had other friends now and didn’t need to cling to me.

One weekend it hit me. Something was not right in our relationship. She didn’t call me anymore when she went out with her friends. At home she would be bland and passive with me. So I called her while at my friend’s house.

I asked her what was going on. It was the first time I have ever talked about anything serious with her in a long time. I told her I knew something was going on because she has been so distant. I was one to talk. I have been distant for six months. This was the girl that I was in love with. The one I dreamed of being with. I was throwing it all away. I told her we needed to meet up and talk. She agreed and an hour later we sat stood face to face in a parking lot.

I knew one thing for sure. There was someone else. There had to of been. The signs were there. So I asked her if she had met someone else. She said she has been with another guy. My heart sank but I knew that I deserved it. She asked if I knew who it was. I said I had an idea. This is where the story gets a bit complicated.

She was hooking up with my good friends, little brother’s best friend. To make matters worse. She was leading on the little brother to get to his best friend. To top all this madness off. They all were my high school friends, we all played high school basketball together.

She wasn’t sure what she wanted. She told me that she loved me but I was so involved with video games and my own life that I neglected her. She was absolutely right.

So I gave her an option. Back then I thought it was a fair decision because I had hurt her for so long. Now looking back, I know that what she wanted was for me to tell her I loved her and that I would do whatever it takes to win her heart back.

I gave her the option to see that guy again. If she felt that she would be happier with him, then I would back off and let them be happy. She agreed to it and the next night she went out with him and her friends.

I didn’t stay at my friend’s house that next night. I spent the night waiting for a phone call or for her to come back home to me. The hours passed. I grew more and more heartbroken. I was starting to lose it. It was a feeling I have never felt before. I was shaking uncontrollably and couldn’t focus on anything.

I wanted to talk to someone but I couldn’t. I only had guy friends and I really didn’t feel like crying to them. I was starting to feel how my last girlfriend felt when I cheated on her and broke up with her.

It was 3am and she still had not come home. I knew it was over. I was devastated. I sat in front of my computer a complete mess. I needed to talk to someone, anyone. So I turned on AOL. Found a random female in a chat room and private messaged her. My first message to her was

“I’m sorry for bothering you, but I’m a mess right now and need someone to talk to.”

She agreed to listen to me. I poured my heart out to her. She was so nice and consoling. Everything I said she knew the right thing to say to make me feel a bit better. People like her make this world a beautiful place. We ended our hour-long conversation. I never spoke to her again.

4am now and she was still gone. I wrote her an email, told her that I knew her answer and that I hope she is happier now with someone who would be a better boyfriend to her. I apologized for everything that I did to her. At 5am I needed to get out of the house. I went rollerblading around town for an hour.

I cleared my mind and accepted everything that happened. I was sad, lonely and heartbroken. Weird thing was that I was ok with it because I had no one else to blame but myself. I brought all this onto myself. Just at the moment of acceptance. Atlanta drove up next to me and screamed at me to get into the car.

I asked her what she was doing. She had just read my email and was angry that I assumed that she was leaving me. I thought she was crazy to think otherwise. She told me that they all just hung and played board games all night then fell asleep. Thanks for not calling me and telling me that, I though in my mind.

I was relieved that she wanted to make this work. But I couldn’t help but think that she was lying to me. How could you not call me and tell me you were going to be out all night when she knew what the night was supposed to about. If she had intentions of working it out, why not come home. Instead make me suffer at home waiting for her. I guess she wanted to teach me a lesson.

I was exhausted from not sleeping and being an emotional wreck. We made up and fell asleep together for the first time in months.

Caught up post #6

Caught up

April 1999

Atlanta and I would see each other three more times that year. I was so happy. She was the girl of my dreams. Growing up a nerdy, uncool and being with a girl like this felt like something out of revenge of the nerds. My life felt complete. I had also gotten a lot closer with my Rhode Island friends. They were becoming the family that I always wanted at home but didn’t have.

I wasn’t very close to my family. We rarely ever spoke at home. We had the occasional hi and bye. That’s how it always was. When my father spoke, I listened and shut my mouth. My mother and I talked a little bit. I could never convey my feelings to her because my Vietnamese was no fluent enough to explain feelings.

Atlanta filled the void of attention and love I wasn’t receiving in my life. I didn’t know it but she would consume my life. At the time I didn’t care. She was all the mattered.

The following year, I confessed my love to her. We were lying in bed together and laid on top staring at her.

“I love you” It was so relieving to finally let it out. I have been feeling this way for so long. She lay there still and didn’t say anything. Just looking back at me. She was speechless. I wasn’t sure what to say next.

I knew that she loved me. I had so much faith in her that she didn’t need to tell me that she loved me.

“Its ok. You don’t need to say it to me. This is how I feel and I just wanted you to know that”. I loved her and you knew that now. That was the only thing that mattered.

She eventually told me she loved me later. Sad thing is that I don’t remember when or in what tone she told me. I’ve been thinking about it all day today. Digging deep into my memory to try to find a small glimpse of it. I think I blocked it out. I have a great memory and can recall things from my past in such detail. Not this one. I’m thinking of ask her, so she could tell me her side of everything.

We planned for her to come visit me in San Jose during her spring break. I was excited and terrified at the same time. We talked as much as we could online and on the phone. It felt like I would never see her. It was the longest two months of my life. Talking online or on the phone started to make things so much harder to deal with. Anticipation is so hard to deal with.

It was the weekend before she would come to visit me. The closer it came to her coming to visit me, the slower time passed.

She called me. I was happy to hear voice. I could tell something was on her mind though. I asked what she was thinking about. She told me that she was talking to a mutual friend that lived in my area. He told her how disappointed in her he was and couldn’t believe that she was visiting me. She was confused. Did he think she was a slut for coming to see me?

“Do you have a girlfriend?” she asked sadly

I was speechless. I didn’t know what to do? What did he say to her?

“I do.” I replied in disgrace

“I was going to tell you. But I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m sorry.”

I spent the next couple of hours telling her that I have had a girlfriend for two and a half years. Why I had been with her for so long and that I was going to leave her. I wanted to be with Atlanta more then anything else in the world. That she should still come and visit me. I begged for her to come and that I would make up for it. I should have told her about my girlfriend. I had no reason to hide it since she had confessed that she had a boyfriend. I was a weak person. I had a hard time letting people down. I wasn’t happy in my current relationship but I endured it because I didn’t want to hurt her. Even though I have been cheating on her every chance I got.

Eventually Atlanta agreed to come visit me. I told my soon to be ex girlfriend that I had a friend coming to visit colleges and that she would be staying at my house. I was naive and stupid to think that should would believe that. She gave no resistance about Atlanta coming though.

My friend Matt had to pick up Atlanta from the airport. He asked me what she looked like so he could find her at the airport. To this day he makes fun of me for my description of her.

“You will know when you see her. You can’t miss her.”

Matt knows the type of girls I’m into. Atlanta was the epitome of that type of girl.

When he dropped her off at my work. I could tell she was second-guessing her decision knowing everything that was going on. She looked like a lost little girl. I gave her a big hug and a kiss. All her worries went away.

Atlanta first night with me at my house would a night of firsts for both of us. I was still a virgin and she had never had an orgasm.

It sounds unbelievable that I could have a girlfriend for over two years and that I still haven’t had sex. My girlfriend wanted to wait for marriage to have sex. I respected her choice and I never attempted to have sex with her. We did everything else. It lacked passion though. She only messed around with me to keep me from leaving her. On top of that I never knew what she liked. She was a quiet shy girl. Since she never told me how to make her happy. I never tried to satisfy her.

But with Atlanta I didn’t want to go through again. I made sure that we communicated what we wanted and needed. It was an all night experiment of finding our desires. She was sexually thrilling for my mind and body. I have never had a girl who really wanted to be with me sexually.


We talked and experimented with her body. It was clumsy and innocent. After fifteen minutes of her directing me she had her first orgasm. She was shaking uncontrollably. I have never seen a girl have an orgasm before. I was freaking out a bit watching her. Her body was freaking out and she was describing to me how she felt. Instead of feeling proud about how I helped her achieve her first orgasm. I was more in shocked that I did that too her.

Later it was time for my first time. I don’t remember what happened. Another blocked memory. I’m not sure how I could forget the first time I had sex. Now I’m definitely going to ask her what she remembers. I’m sure I was a two-pump chump. That would be a good explanation for my memory block.

The next morning the doorbell rings. We are both completely naked. I asked if she could answer the door. For some reason I decided to put a pair of pants on and cover Atlanta’s luggage with a blanket.

Atlanta tells me from a distance that my girlfriend was here. Unbelievable. My girlfriend has never once in our two and half years together has ever come to my house without calling first. She sees me on my bed with my shirt off. I was caught. How could I explain why my shirt was off?

Atlanta told us she was going to take a shower. My girlfriend wasn’t upset as much as she was worried that I might be leaving her. We talked for and hour and half. I wanted to break up with her. She was crying and told me that I couldn’t leave her and she needed me. I tried to hold my ground and tell her this isn’t going to workout. I couldn’t do this anymore. She cried even louder now. Begging me to just think about it for a while. I gave in and told her that I would think about it. She left the house and I wouldn’t call her again for two weeks. I was such a pathetic boy with no backbone.

I knew Atlanta heard a lot of out conversation because the shower is connected to the room. Poor girl. She must have felt horrible that she was part of the reason I was breaking up with my girlfriend. To make matters worse, I was really sad that I broke my ex girlfriends heart. I spent the next couple of days a sad mess.

Atlanta was really understanding about the situation and put up with a lot my shit. She really loved me. She was my angel.

The next two weeks flew by. Before she went home. I offered for her to move in with me at my parent’s house when she graduated. She agreed. She would skip her graduation ceremony just to be with me a week early. When she arrived in San Jose again, this time to live with me for good. I gave her a promise ring. I wanted to her to know that I loved her and appreciated that she had changed my life for the better.

Between the time she was home and coming back to live with me. I saw my ex girlfriend again. I didn’t know what I was doing with her. We had one last moment together. I was weak and just went with the flow. We messed around and used what I had learned from Atlanta with her. It was the first time my ex had ever been vocal in our entire relationship. I knew what was going happen. So I stopped before I made things worse. I left her place quickly after that. That would be the last time I would see her.

My first everything part 4 post #5

My first everything part 4 post #5

July 1998

Day 3 continued

I headed back to my room to take a shower and cool off. I was probably on the martial arts most wanted list by now. I needed to be alone for a while.

I spent an hour in my room trying to calm down. I headed downstairs to the party. Staying up in my room was depressing. I hoped that the party would help cheer me up a bit.

I was in the hallway that leads to the party. I saw Atlanta leaving the with a group of friends. I didn’t see T with her though. I thought about calling out for her, but I was done with her. I imagined that hanging out with her tonight would be like being stabbing myself in the heart with a knife and we would take turns twisting it. I have had enough of being played. I was going to do my own thing tonight. It was the first rational and smart decision I had made the whole weekend.

I waited for her and all my friends leave the room before I made my way towards the party. I made it inside without being detected by anyone I knew. I really needed to be anonymous right now. I felt a whole lot better after dancing for awhile. Feeling like my old happy go lucky self again.

The DJ decided to play a slow song. I was about to exit the floor. I didn’t want any female to male interactions tonight. Like that wasn’t going to happen? Right when I turned around, there was a tall blonde with curly hair right in front of me. Looking back and trying to describe what she looked like. She looked like Taylor Swift if she was 18 in 1999 with nice curves.

She had beautiful eyes. A moment in her eyes felt like I had been staring at her for an hour. She had this look on her face. She wanted something. Like when I was a child at the toy store looking at a toy I really wanted, but I couldn’t play with it because it was still in the box.

I moved my hands towards her waist. I began to rest my hands on her hips. She moved towards me. I wasn’t prepared for her to do that. My hands fell from her hips and my hands landed on to her ass. I quickly grabbed her waist feeling embarrassed that I had just groped her. Even though I think she did that purpose. I looked at her and she smiled. All my nervousness vanished.

As we continued to dance, she held me closer and closer. I have never had a girl come on to me like this before. I was being seduced for the first time in my life. I had mixed emotions about what was unfolding. I loved being wanted but I wasn’t ready to be with another girl right now. I was thinking about Atlanta. I only wanted her and didn’t want to settle for anything else.

She was a sweet southern girl. I loved her southern accent.

“Are you staying here at the hotel?” She asked me

“Yeah” I was being short because all I could think about was Atlanta.

“I’m staying a couple blocks away. I’m tired and don’t feel like walking back” She whined to me.

“I’m sorry that you have to walk back in this humid weather.” I countered her cry for help

The song ended and I thanked her for the dance. Did I really just turn down this gift she was handing to me on a silver platter? It didn’t matter, I just wanted to go to bed and have this miserable weekend be over as soon as possible.

I walked to the elevators and passed one of my friends that I haven’t spoken to this whole weekend. I felt bad that I had been ignoring my friends because I had been avoiding Atlanta. So I sat down to catch up with him. He was with three other girls. They were really cute Latin girls.

We sat together and talked for a bit. I suggested that we should move to my room and that it would be far more comfortable there. Everyone agreed and we headed upstairs to my room.

My friend and one of the girls laid together on one bed and the other two girls were on each side of me. I played some mood music. We all talked for a bit. Then I was just talking to the girls that had me sandwiched in. They sat really close to me. My heart was racing. After ten minutes my friend and his girl left to go to his room.

The energy in the room was changing. After turning down the southern bell, I wasn’t going to pass up the first and only attempt at a threesome in my life. We began to get a bit touchy with each other.

All of a sudden the front door explodes open. All three of us were startled. What the fuck is going on?

Guess who just entered the room? Atlanta! She had come with T. I was destined to have a miserable weekend. But then T left the room. I was completely confused.

She hopped onto the bed. Climbed on top of me and kissed me. The other two girls then got up and left the room. This girl was sabotaging my life. I was confused, hurt, happy and satisfied all at the same time. I didn’t care that I wasn’t going to have a threesome. I had forgotten that were two other girls that were flirting with me. My mind and body had finally got what it had been longing for. We made out passionately for a long time before saying anything.

I asked her what was going on. What was going on with her and T? Why did she avoid me for so long? Why did she all of a sudden came back to me? What happened in Kentucky? Why did she lead me on for so long? I had a million questions.

Four words would answer every question I had in my head.

“I have a boyfriend.” She said as she dropped her head onto my chest

“So why did you hang out with T all weekend then?”

“He was trying to hook up with me all weekend. I needed someone to distract me from you. But I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to be with you again.”

I forgave her and we spent the shortest 4 hours of my life. We talked about her current situation with her boyfriend. She told me why she acted like she did in Kentucky. I told her what I was going through without her.

The sun was rising and I had to catch a flight home. I didn’t want to leave her. This time I wasn’t going to leave without a way to contact her. We exchanged phone numbers, email, addresses and aim screen names. I wasn’t going to let her walk out of my life again.

It was the most passionate night of my life. I wish it could always be that way with her. She had stolen my heart.

My first everything part 3 post #4

My first everything part 3

July 1998

Day 1

After enduring that mind fuck weekend in Kentucky. I was headed to Orlando, Florida for the US Open. This time I would be traveling with a couple of friends from home. It would be nice to be at a tournament with a couple of people I knew. I was going to be doing a couple of extra divisions there. Board breaking and team forms.

I had finally gotten the thought of Atlanta out of my mind. Thanks god for that. I just submerged myself into training. I guess that’s why I did the two extra divisions.

After the long flight, we finally arrived at the hotel. We walked into the lobby and set our stuff down for a moment. I turned around to head to the registration desk. Guess who was right in my line of sight? It was Atlanta. I swear someone was out to get me. I quickly turned back around hoping that she didn’t see me.

I prayed that she would just go away and leave me alone. Doesn’t it always go this way? When you finally get over someone that they return for a second just to fuck with your head.

I feel a hand on my back. Deep down this is what I wanted. I turned around and she gave me the sweetest and tightest hug. I’m total mush when I’m around her. She has me wrapped around her finger.

I introduce her to my friends. I Introduce T to her. He was someone that I admired. He was a total ladies man and buff. Two things I severely lacked in. Even though I was hooking up with a lot of girls when I traveled. I still felt insecure about girls and myself. My other friend was a little guy that I was doing team forms with. He was 13 at the time. He was a cool little kid.

I kept it as short as possible with Atlanta. The more time I spent with her the more of my common sense would go out the door.

After getting all my stuff into my room. I went down stairs to practice our team form for a bit. We met up with my good friends from Rhode Island. We decided to do a team demo together. The tournament would be on ESPN 2. So everyone was trying to find as many ways as they could to get on TV.

I had finally perfected doing pop 720s. I could do them with ease without exerting much energy. I was feeling pretty good. We started tricking for a bit. I decided I was going to try to do a 1080. I haven’t even attempted it before that day. But I was hyped. I stood there for a moment and collected myself. Here goes nothing.

The initial step felt sharp. My jump felt explosive. The spin felt like a normal 720. When I finished the second spin. I knew I was pretty high in the air still. So I kept my kicking leg from chambering and continued to spin. I was at two and a half spins. I chambered my right leg to throw the kick. I threw the hook it with full extension and I haven’t even landed yet. As the kicked past the target area I landed with ease. I had just landed the first 1080 ever. I couldn’t believe how easy it was. I swear I thought I could do 4 spins.

There were only a hand full of people there and no one had a camera because no one knew I was going to attempt a 1080. I did it one more time to make sure it wasn’t a fluke. Landed it with ease again. I knew I had to put it in my form. Regardless of it being a brand new trick. I lived for these moments.

It was a great way to start the weekend. Little did I know that this weekend would forever change my life? In love and in martial arts.

Day 2

I didn’t see much of Atlanta all day. She would come by here and there and give me small amounts of attention. Since I had already been through this with her, I didn’t chase her anymore. She can do whatever she wants. Not to say that I didn’t think about all the time. I missed her.

As the day went by, I started seeing her hanging out with T. Figures right? I felt jealous and helpless. I couldn’t compete with that. I looked up to this guy. At that point I felt heartbreak for the first time and I wasn’t even her boyfriend. I decided to give up on her completely and just concentrate on competing.

This was a very important tournament for me. I was being considered to become a member of JPM (John Paul Mitchell). I really needed this sponsorship. The team that was sponsoring me at that time was running out of funding. If I didn’t make that team I would have to stop traveling and competing. I was addicted to it. I didn’t want it to end like that.

First division I was in was broad breaking. I didn’t win but I did some fun breaks. Hitting a board with a 720 was probably the highlight of it. I was using 1 inch boards while everyone else was using half inch.

Team form was next. This was a tragic form. The team form had a really dangerous combo in it. I was doing a flying sidekick over the boy’s butterfly twist. When we got to that part of the form. I clipped his head with my chambered kicking leg. He was rocked. He did the drunken haze wobble. Poor kid. I felt really bad.

Team demo went better. We finished making up demo last minute. We made the top two and would be performing on stage.

My musical forms division was a breeze. I won first and was headed to the finals. Maybe I could actually win Grands for once.

The night ended and I didn’t see much of Atlanta or my friend T. So I spent the rest of the night with my Rhode Island friends.

Day 3

It was same old stuff during the day. I was just killing time waiting for the nighttime finals and keeping my mind off of Atlanta. Doesn’t help that every time I see her, she is around T. Though I didn’t look for her all that often. When I did look for her, It was probably coincidence that they were together or I was looking for them together to prove to myself that she didn’t want me anymore.

The finals came and it was time to perform. Team demo was nothing special. We lost. But it was a good warm up.

Men’s forms grand was now up. It was finally time to attempt my new trick. I was really nervous about it. I have only tired it twice. I didn’t dare practicing it again because I didn’t want to jinx it. The form started off well. It was time to attempt the 1080.

Something felt off the moment I stepped into it. I knew I wasn’t going to make the full 3 spins. I have to improvise. I was too far to make it a 720 and not far enough for the three spins. So I just threw out whatever leg was in front. If you watch the video you can tell it was thrown sloppy to just make it look like a kick. The rest of form finished well. It wasn’t a total loss. I still had a chance of winning this.

After everyone went. There was a 3-way tie for first. We had to go again. I didn’t want to do the same form again. I hate doing anything twice. So I decided I was going freestyle the second form. I performed without music because I just wanted to focus on my form and not worry about keep up with the rhythm of the song.

So for everyone out there that has seen the form. You know that the highlight of that form was that I said sideswipe in the corner before running away from camera and doing the kick. Here is what was going through my mind.

This is where the name came from. It was evolved version of a 540. At first it was a stalled front flip style 540. Then one day I slipped during the take off and dipped my head down and it caused my body to rotate aggressively. It was an impressive at the time. One of my friends tried to claim the kick by naming it. He and I battled a lot because he was the only other guy that could hang with me then. After practice we would always go a couple of rounds. It was friendly competition.

He wanted to name it the Tasmanian twist. Our other friends told him, he couldn’t name because he didn’t invent it. So he called me out. Whoever did the kick better would have the right to name it. He went first and it was executed flawlessly. My friends were afraid that I couldn’t top it. They didn’t want him to win.

I’m going to set up the scene. There were four judges sitting all together waiting for me to go. I was in the corner of the room mentally preparing to do it. I did the trick and when I turned around and looked to my friends to see what they thought of it. They all stood there for a second then exploded form the ground and ran in different directions screaming and yelling bloody murder. One of my friends was dragging his body by pulling his entire body with his arms. If you have ever seen The Fresh Prince of Bel Air you would know what I’m talking about. Youtube The Fresh prince - out takes and look for Carlton screaming about will smith’s death.

The friend that had challenged me was pissed. They didn’t have to go that far to prove their point. But that’s what you get for trying to steal someone’s move and try to call him out to so you can claim the move. Karma is a bitch!

So my friends asked me what I was going to name it. I don’t name my tricks. I just do them. It felt tacky to name moves. But I was one the spot. So used the first thing that came to my mind. My favorite movie of all time is the 1984 Transformers movie. Even though he wasn’t in the movie. Sideswipe was my favorite Autobot. So I called it Sideswipe.

It was a fitting name to the move. There is a team out there called sideswipe. I think they named the team after my kick. Which is pretty cool.

I had completed my form. At that time, it felt solid. I thought I was going to win. I ended up losing. But not only did I not get first. I was third. That was total bullshit to me. I was upset. I felt that it was unfair and there was nothing I could do to show what they had done was complete bullshit. I lost my cool.

They never showed this on TV. I was so upset that I took off my belt and threw it into the audience. I’m sure it was more then just me losing that made me do something so irrational. Atlanta had chosen someone else over me. My form wasn’t good enough for the judges and I wasn’t good enough for her.

My chances of becoming a member of JPM disappeared after I threw my belt. I had thrown away my future because I couldn’t control myself. What kind of martial artist was I? I was already building a reputation as a rebel. Now I was had confirmed that I was not only a rebel but had now become infamous.

The night was far from over and would get a lot more interesting…

To be continued