Caught up post #6

Caught up

April 1999

Atlanta and I would see each other three more times that year. I was so happy. She was the girl of my dreams. Growing up a nerdy, uncool and being with a girl like this felt like something out of revenge of the nerds. My life felt complete. I had also gotten a lot closer with my Rhode Island friends. They were becoming the family that I always wanted at home but didn’t have.

I wasn’t very close to my family. We rarely ever spoke at home. We had the occasional hi and bye. That’s how it always was. When my father spoke, I listened and shut my mouth. My mother and I talked a little bit. I could never convey my feelings to her because my Vietnamese was no fluent enough to explain feelings.

Atlanta filled the void of attention and love I wasn’t receiving in my life. I didn’t know it but she would consume my life. At the time I didn’t care. She was all the mattered.

The following year, I confessed my love to her. We were lying in bed together and laid on top staring at her.

“I love you” It was so relieving to finally let it out. I have been feeling this way for so long. She lay there still and didn’t say anything. Just looking back at me. She was speechless. I wasn’t sure what to say next.

I knew that she loved me. I had so much faith in her that she didn’t need to tell me that she loved me.

“Its ok. You don’t need to say it to me. This is how I feel and I just wanted you to know that”. I loved her and you knew that now. That was the only thing that mattered.

She eventually told me she loved me later. Sad thing is that I don’t remember when or in what tone she told me. I’ve been thinking about it all day today. Digging deep into my memory to try to find a small glimpse of it. I think I blocked it out. I have a great memory and can recall things from my past in such detail. Not this one. I’m thinking of ask her, so she could tell me her side of everything.

We planned for her to come visit me in San Jose during her spring break. I was excited and terrified at the same time. We talked as much as we could online and on the phone. It felt like I would never see her. It was the longest two months of my life. Talking online or on the phone started to make things so much harder to deal with. Anticipation is so hard to deal with.

It was the weekend before she would come to visit me. The closer it came to her coming to visit me, the slower time passed.

She called me. I was happy to hear voice. I could tell something was on her mind though. I asked what she was thinking about. She told me that she was talking to a mutual friend that lived in my area. He told her how disappointed in her he was and couldn’t believe that she was visiting me. She was confused. Did he think she was a slut for coming to see me?

“Do you have a girlfriend?” she asked sadly

I was speechless. I didn’t know what to do? What did he say to her?

“I do.” I replied in disgrace

“I was going to tell you. But I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m sorry.”

I spent the next couple of hours telling her that I have had a girlfriend for two and a half years. Why I had been with her for so long and that I was going to leave her. I wanted to be with Atlanta more then anything else in the world. That she should still come and visit me. I begged for her to come and that I would make up for it. I should have told her about my girlfriend. I had no reason to hide it since she had confessed that she had a boyfriend. I was a weak person. I had a hard time letting people down. I wasn’t happy in my current relationship but I endured it because I didn’t want to hurt her. Even though I have been cheating on her every chance I got.

Eventually Atlanta agreed to come visit me. I told my soon to be ex girlfriend that I had a friend coming to visit colleges and that she would be staying at my house. I was naive and stupid to think that should would believe that. She gave no resistance about Atlanta coming though.

My friend Matt had to pick up Atlanta from the airport. He asked me what she looked like so he could find her at the airport. To this day he makes fun of me for my description of her.

“You will know when you see her. You can’t miss her.”

Matt knows the type of girls I’m into. Atlanta was the epitome of that type of girl.

When he dropped her off at my work. I could tell she was second-guessing her decision knowing everything that was going on. She looked like a lost little girl. I gave her a big hug and a kiss. All her worries went away.

Atlanta first night with me at my house would a night of firsts for both of us. I was still a virgin and she had never had an orgasm.

It sounds unbelievable that I could have a girlfriend for over two years and that I still haven’t had sex. My girlfriend wanted to wait for marriage to have sex. I respected her choice and I never attempted to have sex with her. We did everything else. It lacked passion though. She only messed around with me to keep me from leaving her. On top of that I never knew what she liked. She was a quiet shy girl. Since she never told me how to make her happy. I never tried to satisfy her.

But with Atlanta I didn’t want to go through again. I made sure that we communicated what we wanted and needed. It was an all night experiment of finding our desires. She was sexually thrilling for my mind and body. I have never had a girl who really wanted to be with me sexually.


We talked and experimented with her body. It was clumsy and innocent. After fifteen minutes of her directing me she had her first orgasm. She was shaking uncontrollably. I have never seen a girl have an orgasm before. I was freaking out a bit watching her. Her body was freaking out and she was describing to me how she felt. Instead of feeling proud about how I helped her achieve her first orgasm. I was more in shocked that I did that too her.

Later it was time for my first time. I don’t remember what happened. Another blocked memory. I’m not sure how I could forget the first time I had sex. Now I’m definitely going to ask her what she remembers. I’m sure I was a two-pump chump. That would be a good explanation for my memory block.

The next morning the doorbell rings. We are both completely naked. I asked if she could answer the door. For some reason I decided to put a pair of pants on and cover Atlanta’s luggage with a blanket.

Atlanta tells me from a distance that my girlfriend was here. Unbelievable. My girlfriend has never once in our two and half years together has ever come to my house without calling first. She sees me on my bed with my shirt off. I was caught. How could I explain why my shirt was off?

Atlanta told us she was going to take a shower. My girlfriend wasn’t upset as much as she was worried that I might be leaving her. We talked for and hour and half. I wanted to break up with her. She was crying and told me that I couldn’t leave her and she needed me. I tried to hold my ground and tell her this isn’t going to workout. I couldn’t do this anymore. She cried even louder now. Begging me to just think about it for a while. I gave in and told her that I would think about it. She left the house and I wouldn’t call her again for two weeks. I was such a pathetic boy with no backbone.

I knew Atlanta heard a lot of out conversation because the shower is connected to the room. Poor girl. She must have felt horrible that she was part of the reason I was breaking up with my girlfriend. To make matters worse, I was really sad that I broke my ex girlfriends heart. I spent the next couple of days a sad mess.

Atlanta was really understanding about the situation and put up with a lot my shit. She really loved me. She was my angel.

The next two weeks flew by. Before she went home. I offered for her to move in with me at my parent’s house when she graduated. She agreed. She would skip her graduation ceremony just to be with me a week early. When she arrived in San Jose again, this time to live with me for good. I gave her a promise ring. I wanted to her to know that I loved her and appreciated that she had changed my life for the better.

Between the time she was home and coming back to live with me. I saw my ex girlfriend again. I didn’t know what I was doing with her. We had one last moment together. I was weak and just went with the flow. We messed around and used what I had learned from Atlanta with her. It was the first time my ex had ever been vocal in our entire relationship. I knew what was going happen. So I stopped before I made things worse. I left her place quickly after that. That would be the last time I would see her.